The Box
by Moose Renegade
Summary: Co-written with Wild Fox of the Wasteland. WARNING HIGH INSANITY LEVELS! Neo works at Chili's, the agents wear wigs, Trinity is a wigger? Can it get any more insane?
1. Default Chapter

A/N from Wild: Hiya! Wild here with a collab fic with my home dawg Moose. *waves* Anyway, this is my pitiful attempt at writing a humorous ficcy. Ya, so we're going to try and make this an insane one so put on your seatbelt Dorothy, cuz Kansas is going bye-bye! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! A/N from Moose: Wild basically covered everything what needs to be covered and I hope you enjoy the story!! Another random comment from Wild: Oh, I forgot. We decided to write this because we were watching the Matrix last night and we decided to "rewrite" it. HIGH INSANTIY LEVELS!!! O_o  
  
::Neo snores loudly while listening to Cher::  
  
::Green writing on the computer::  
  
Computer: Wake up, Neo.  
  
::Neo continues snoring::  
  
Computer: WAKE UP!! I SAID WAKE UP!!!  
  
::Neo opens his eyes and replies to the mysterious message::  
  
Neo (typing): Who the hell are you?  
  
Computer: The Matrix has you.  
  
Neo: The what?  
  
Computer: I don't know.Oh! Follow the white badger..  
  
::Neo stares::  
  
Computer: Knock knock Neo.  
  
Neo: WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE????? O_o  
  
::A loud knocking is heard at the door. Neo walks over and opens it. A bunch of midget clowns stare up at him with bloodshot eyes::  
  
Clown: Do you have it?  
  
Neo: Have what?  
  
Clown: The rubber chicken stupid.  
  
Neo: Wrong apartment.Bozo lives down the hall.  
  
Clown: Sorry.and this conversation, never happened.  
  
::Clowns walk away. Neo shuts the door and goes back to a blank computer screen. There is a loud knocking at the door. Neo opens it again::  
  
Dude from the movie: Do you have it?  
  
Neo: Do you have the money?  
  
Dude: Did you want milk or dark?  
  
::Neo ponders for a moment::  
  
Neo: MILK CHOCLATE!!!  
  
::Dude gives him a bag of chocolate coins. You know, those ones you buy for birthday parties in the little yellow baggies.Neo gives him a kitty::  
  
Dude: You look paler than you usually do. Come with us for a while.  
  
::Creepy old lady walks over and hangs off of the dude seductively::  
  
Old lady: I promise it'll be a good time.  
  
::Neo glances at her hideously wrinkled shoulder and sees a white badger tattoo. Noticing this, she blows him a kiss::  
  
Neo: NO WAY!! YOU PEOPLE CREEP ME OUT!!  
  
::Neo starts to run, but the creepy people drag him out and bring him to a Discovery Zone. Neo looks around, rather confused by the playtime merriment of small children::  
  
Trinity: Wassup Neo?  
  
Neo: .  
  
Trinity: We've been looking uptown and downtown for ya dawg!  
  
Neo: Who are you?  
  
Trinity: Mah homays call me Trinity. The Matrix wants ya dawg! I know that feeling, that feeling deep inside.FO SHO!  
  
::Neo wakes up to the sound of his alarm clock::  
  
Neo: Oh crackers!  
  
::Fast-forward to Neo standing in front of his boss at Chili's. His boss glares at him evilly::  
  
Boss: Neo, you seem to have a problem with authority. We can't have that happening. Either you show up at nine in the morning and serve buffalo wings, or you can go find another job.  
  
::Neo walks back to the kitchen dejectedly. A fat cook gives him a plate of buffalo wings to serve. Neo walks over and places the wings on a table::  
  
Neo: Enjoy your meal.  
  
::As he walks away, he hears a ringing. He turns around and sees a cell- phone sticking out of the plate of spicy goodness. He runs over and throws the other wings aside and picks up the cell phone::  
  
Morphius: They are coming for you.  
  
Neo: Who?  
  
Morphius: Look over the booth in front of you. They are near the seating hostess.  
  
::Neo looks up and sees a group of men dressed in black standing in the lobby. They have large poofy afros.::  
  
(A/N: By now you have realized our extreme level of insanity. I'm sure we've spelled a million things wrong, but you can bite us.)  
  
Neo (jumping down): How do you know this?  
  
Morphius: I'm special.but anyways, there is no time. You must follow my directions carefully. The booth across from you is empty, go there.  
  
::Neo goes::  
  
Morphius: Now go into the kitchen at the end of the hall.  
  
:: Neo goes::  
  
Morphius: There should be a bag of buffalo wings on the counter, pick those up.  
  
Neo: What does this have to do with anything?  
  
Morphius: I'm hungry.anyways, there should be a door towards the back. Go through that door to escape.  
  
::Neo opens the door and sees a group of girl scouts grinning evilly. Neo slams the door::  
  
Neo: I can't do this; this is crazy!  
  
Morphius: There are two ways out of this restaurant: either with those agents, or with the girl scouts. I leave the choice up to you.but bring my buffalo wings, and make it snappy.  
  
::He hangs up. Neo tries opening the door again, but the girl scouts step on his feet and shove cookies in his face::  
  
Neo: NOOOO! I hate Samoas!!  
  
::Fast foreword to Neo being carried out by the men in large afros. Trinity on a motorcycle looks back::  
  
Trinity: DAMN!  
  
::Drives away::  
  
::The clever authoresses now transport Neo to the agent's evil lair cleverly disguised as a McDonald's McPlayplace. They are seated at an incredibly short table::  
  
Agent: So, Mr. Anderson. It seems you have been living two lives. In one life, you are a bus boy who serves buffalo wings at a respectable Chili's franchise. (At this point, the two clever authoresses had a total brainfart and couldn't remember the rest of the dood's speech.)  
  
Neo: How about I give you the finger, and you give me my Chicken McSandwich?  
  
Agent: What good is a Chicken McSandwich when you can not enjoy it?  
  
::At those words, angry children throw those plastic balls at Neo's large head, causing him to fall to the ground in agony. The men in afros pick him up and throw him on the table::  
  
Neo: NOOOOOOOOOO! NOT THE BELLY BUTTON BEANIE!!! ::Agent grabs a Happy Meal and opens the box. He pulls out a toy and removes the plastic baggie. It is a pink bunny beanie baby. It begins to twitch and move and leaps onto Neo's stomach::  
  
Neo: Awww, it's so cute.  
  
::Bunny uses its sharp claws to jump into Neo's belly button. Neo screams in agony and wakes up in his bedroom once again. The phone rings::  
  
Neo: Hello?  
  
Morphius: You have seven days.  
  
Neo: .  
  
Morphius: Sorry, the moment felt right. This line is tapped, so I must be brief. Go to the bridge on Adams Street. And bring me my buffalo wings this time.  
  
::Hangs up. Fast forward to the bridge. A mattress delivery truck pulls out and Trinity opens the door::  
  
Trinity: Hop in foo!  
  
::Neo gets in and a nerf gun is pointed at him::  
  
Neo: What's that for?  
  
Switch: For our own protection.  
  
::Neo stares at Switch. She is a Smurf.Do not attempt to adjust your screen.Trinity suddenly rips off his shirt::  
  
Neo: What the hell?  
  
Trinity: We think those agent doods beaned ya.  
  
::She pulls out that suction thingy and sticks it on Neo. She turns it on and a beanie baby crawling through Neo's innards appears on a screen::  
  
Switch: Don't loose that! It's a limited edition!  
  
Trinity: Chill dawg, I gots it.  
  
::Suction turns on and sucks the bunny out. Trinity throws it out the window::  
  
Switch: NNOOOOOO! Damn! I could have added that to my collection!!  
  
::Fast foreword to Morphius' office. Morphius is standing in front of a window, dressed all in pink. He turns to Neo::  
  
Morphius: Hello, Neo.  
  
Neo: Dude, how does everyone know my name?!  
  
Morphius: We have been stalking you, Neo. You are the one, Neo.  
  
::Nelly song plays magically::  
  
Mophius: Erm, anyways, would you like to know what the Matrix is?  
  
Neo (with big little kid eyes): YES!  
  
Morphius: Good, but you have reached the point of no return; there is no turning back now. So live with it.  
  
::Pulls out two pixie sticks::  
  
Morphius: If you take the blue pixie stick, everything will go back to normal. If you take the red one, I can take you on a magical adventure!  
  
::Moose suddenly cries out "Change the line!! I loved the old one!!::  
  
Morphius: Fine.*sighs* Take the red one, and I can show you how deep the rabbit hole goes.  
  
::Moose smiles and disappears::  
  
Neo: That was strange, um, I like cherry so I'll take the red one.  
  
::Neo rips off the top of the pixie stick and downs it in one gulp::  
  
A/N: If you have questions, review. If you don't, review anyways. This is a one shot, so if you like it we'll add more. This concludes out broadcast day. *click* 


	2. Matrix fanfiction

A/N from Wild: *bounces off the walls* WOOOOOO! SUGAR HIGH!!!!!*flies into the wall* I'm OK.  
  
A/N from Moose: Thanx for all ya's who reviewed. Since so many of you loved our story, Wild and I decided to add more. Enjoy!  
  
::In Morphius' super awesome house. Neo is strapped to that chair thingy::  
  
Morphius: Blah blah blah blah blah.  
  
::Neo is obviously ignoring Morphius since he is examining a strange pink fluffy wall to his left. He reaches his hand out to touch it::  
  
Neo: Cool! Cotton candy!  
  
::Yes, Neo was touching a wall made of cotton candy. But soon he learns the lesson that all little children learn: look with your eyes, not hands. For the cotton candy soon consumes him and turns him into a pink puff::  
  
Neo: ::screaming in agony::  
  
::Neo wakes up and finds that he cannot breathe. He looks around him and sees that he is in some dark pod. He pokes his head out of the pod to discover that he had just emerged from a giant cabbage::  
  
Neo: Holy naked cats! I'm NAKED!  
  
::A giant cabbage patch doll comes over and picks him up out of the cabbage. It carries him over to a pile of other cabbage patch dolls and dumps him there to face certain doom and destruction. Just when Neo was about to give up hope, a giant parade balloon shaped like King Kong picks him up. Neo blacks out::  
  
Neo: Where am I?  
  
Morphius: Don't touch me! You.smell like cabbage. Anyway, you are aboard my ship, the Nebbacunezzer. (A/N from Wild: I kan't speel) I built it myself.  
  
Neo: Ship? This thing is a giant fork.or maybe a spoon? What is this thing anyway?  
  
Morphius: This is a spork ship. It was the only thing we could find at the time, so we had to make do. Anyways, welcome to the real world.  
  
::Morphius takes Neo on a tour in a little golf cart::  
  
Morphius: Please keep your hands and feet inside the vehicle at ALL times. Enjoy the ride! To your left are Trinity, Switch, and Apoch, whom you have already met. Coming up on your right are Mouse and Cypher. And straight ahead are Dozer and Tank, our pilots. ::Jumps out of golf cart:: OK enough of that, let's do something fun!  
  
Neo: Uh oh.  
  
Morphius: Dozer, load the training simulation crap!  
  
::Neo and Morphius are strapped into the chairs and are magically in the Matrix::  
  
Morphius: We are now in the Matrix. But you ask yourself, "What the hell is the Matrix?" Well, when the machines took over the planet, they needed a power supply. They hooked us humans up to the Matrix to keeps our minds busy while they harvest our body heat to make energy, turning us into this:  
  
::Morphius pulls a banana out of his pocket::  
  
Neo: A banana?  
  
Morphius: No.::puts the banana away and pulls out a battery::  
  
Neo: Oh, a battery! I was confused there for a minute because you were saying that we were bananas.  
  
Morphius: YOU'RE STUPID! ::smacks Neo upside the head:: Well anyways, Neo, I need to tell you something very important. You are the one.  
  
::"I'm #1" by Nelly plays::  
  
Neo: Dude, who keeps playing that annoying song?  
  
Morphius: I dunno, but it's creepy. Anyways, at the moment you are a little fruit cup and you need training, very badly. ::snaps fingers and they are transported to Martha Stewart's kitchen:: This is a training program.  
  
Neo: Ookay.  
  
::Suddenly, Martha Stewart leaps out of the refrigerator, screaming like a maniac, with a giant butcher knife. She attacks Neo. Morphius, seeing that Neo is struggling to keep Martha away, tranquilizes her. As Martha falls on the floor, unconscious, Neo gets up and dusts himself off::  
  
Morphius: Ok, let's move on. ::Neo and Morphius wake up in the real world:: Dozer, do your stuff.  
  
::Neo goes back into the Matrix and Dozer brings out a giant pile of disks::  
  
Dozer: OK, we've got everything from the Joy of Cooking to the Iron Chef cookbook.  
  
Morphius: Good.  
  
::Dozer loads all the CDs and Neo learns how to cook in an incredibly short amount of time::  
  
Neo: Whoa, I know how to cook!  
  
Morphius: Show me.  
  
::Neo and Morphius are back in Martha Stewart's kitchen. Both are wearing aprons and chef's hats::  
  
Morphius: Let's have a cook-off to see what you've learned.  
  
::At that, a bell dings and they both rush to gather the main ingredient, chicken. Hm..it looks as if Neo is starting to prepare some sort of soup dish. Morphius on the other hand, is chopping away at the poultry. Suddenly, Neo throws some chicken innards at Morphius, just barely missing him::  
  
Morphius: Come on, hit me! ::Neo keeps trying, but misses horribly::  
  
::Time passes by and suddenly their hour is up. Now is the moment of truth. Who will win; Challenger, Neosan Anderson, or Iron Chef, Morphius Morphius::  
  
Judge Mymoto Cyco: (Tasting Morphius' dish) Mmm..I like this dish very much. It reminds me of my childhood..just like grandma used to make.  
  
Judge Wami Dum: (Tasting Neo's dish) Hm..A little bit too much wasabi.  
  
::After the tasting, the host appears::  
  
Announcer dude: After watching another battle between iron chef and challenger, whose steam reins supreme? ::A second passes by in anticipation:: .IRON CHEF MORPHIUS MORPHIUS! ::Crowd claps and Morphius shakes hands with Neo who looks disappointed::  
  
::Fast forward to when Morphius and Neo get transported on top of a very tall building::  
  
Neo: Now where are we?  
  
Morphius: This is another one of those training programs. ::Just then, Morphius runs super fast and jumps really far to the next building::  
  
Morphius: The matrix is in our minds, Neo. You can overcome obstacles if you believe you can. (Sounds really corny but u can bite me) Just let go of your mind.  
  
Neo: All I have to do is let go of my mind. ::Breaths deeply:: Okay...I can do this.  
  
::Neo runs very fast and jumps. ::Bad move obviously...since he plummets into the ground..made of jello. He bounce up and down a few times until Morphius appears::  
  
Morphius: Why didn't you make it across, Neo?  
  
Neo: Because your stupid and all of this is crazy. 


End file.
